The Loving Spirit Read online

  ‘And so you induced her to conceal the truth from me?’ he said bitterly. ‘She, whom I thought I could trust better than all the world.’

  ‘She thought only of being kind to me. She wouldn’t have betrayed my secret to anyone, and least of all to you. You loved her, but she knew you were hard and pitiless to the rest of the world.’

  ‘Be silent!’ he grated. ‘Don’t speak of her. You persuaded her to deceive me and then you deceived me yourself on our wedding day.’

  ‘How could I help it? Have you forgotten how our marriage happened, within a few hours of her death? There was no chance to confide in you. You were half dead yourself. Afterwards it was too late.’

  He looked at her and she could see that her words had made no impression on him. A vast distance separated them, and she seemed to hear him from across an abyss.

  ‘Don’t judge me now,’ she begged. ‘Let us talk some other time when we are calmer and I can explain...’

  ‘Do you think words will change this?’

  ‘They might help you understand if you would only listen. Don’t be so sure that you have the right to judge me. You know nothing of my life, nothing of how stupid and ignorant a girl can be. He thought only of a swift seduction for his own pleasure. He took what he wanted and fled without a backward glance.

  ‘And when the school sent for my parents, I thought they would take me home...they would be angry but I would be safe with them.’ She choked into silence and for a moment the grief of her parents’ betrayal was as fresh as though it were yesterday. ‘But they wanted nothing more to do with me,’ she said at last. ‘They left me there so that the teachers could put me in an asylum. That’s where I’d be now if I hadn’t escaped.’

  ‘Do you know what you’ve told me about yourself...about your willingness to lie down with the first man who asked you?’

  ‘He raped me!’

  ‘In the school?’

  ‘No, I...I slipped out to meet him one night,’ she said wearily, realizing how it sounded. ‘Yes, yes, I know it was wrong but I thought I loved him, and I thought he loved me. Girls of that age believe a lot of nonsense.’

  ‘But the others don’t slip out in the darkness to meet men,’ he said scathingly. ‘You say Amelia was there? Would she ever have behaved like you?’

  She shook her head helplessly. ‘No,’ she murmured. ‘Not Amelia. I was always the headstrong one.’

  ‘The truth is that you were a light woman even then. Fifteen, and you crept out at night to meet your paramour.’

  ‘I never meant it to be like that,’ she cried. ‘I thought I was in love.’

  ‘So love is your word for it. And your recent activities...what do you call them? Not love, surely? What did you call it when you took him to your bed this time?’

  She stared at him aghast. ‘You can’t believe that?’

  ‘I could believe anything of you now. How convenient I made it for you by going away, how anxious you were to be rid of me! Tell me, how many times did he rut with you in the bed I thought was ours?’

  ‘Never, never,’ she cried frantically. ‘He isn’t my lover. Don’t you understand? He’s been blackmailing me, threatening to tell you if I didn’t become his mistress. But I refused. I swear I refused. I was going to tell you everything...it was the only way to make him stop.’

  ‘You were going to tell me?’ he mocked. ‘Do you expect me to believe that?’

  ‘I could see no other way. I would never have been his mistress, and my refusal would have made him betray me. He left me in no doubt of that. I knew that telling you would be a risk...that you’d think as you do...but I had no choice. I thought there was just a chance that you would understand, and forgive. You have told me so many times how deeply you loved me. I thought your love might be enough for this.’

  ‘You dare say that to me?’ he asked hoarsely. ‘I will never forgive you for saying such a thing in support of your lies.’

  ‘Justin, I swear I’m telling you the truth.’

  Looking into his face she saw no softening. He had judged her and his judgement was merciless.

  ‘I do not believe you,’ he said flatly. ‘And that is an end of it for both of us. This is the last time we shall talk alone. Be quiet and listen. I have said that I will have no scandal. Do you understand that? No scandal. Outwardly you will continue as my wife, but in future your varied interests will prevent you spending time with the children. To preserve the proprieties you will see them for half an hour a day, but not alone.’

  ‘Oh God,’ she wept, ‘Justin, I beg you not to do this...not for my sake, but for theirs. You’ll break their hearts. They’ve lost one mother, don’t make them lose another.’

  ‘Better they lose a hundred mothers than be reared by a light woman. Do you think I want my daughters anywhere near you?’

  ‘But they won’t understand...’

  ‘Then take care, madam, lest I tell them.’

  She backed away. This was a man she didn’t know, cold and pitiless as a wolf.

  When the silence had stretched between them unbearably he spoke again.

  ‘I will make arrangements for us to lead separate lives without attracting scandal. Many couples do exactly that.’

  ‘But not us,’ she whispered.

  For a moment she knew she’d affected him. He stood dead still and a look of such misery passed over his face that she reached out to him. But before she could touch him he flinched back as though from an evil thing.

  ‘As far as the world knows we continued to be a united couple,’ he said bleakly. ‘I shall find some other reason for ending Charmaine’s engagement. Nobody shall say a word against you.’

  ‘And we are to live like that?’ she asked in anguish. ‘Have you thought how long the years will be?’

  `Yes,’ he said. ‘I have thought.’ He raised his head and for a moment his eyes were open, defenceless as they looked into hers. ‘Kate,’ he whispered, ‘Kate...’

  But his moment of weakness was brief. He controlled it and made his face a blank again.

  ‘You will oblige me by remaining at home tomorrow. I shall communicate with you shortly.’

  He walked out.

  Kate watched that shut door a few moments, willing him to return. When she knew that he would not, she drew off her dressing-gown, letting it fall to the floor, and almost fell onto the bed in a storm of weeping.

  She didn’t sleep that night. After an age she watched the dawn come up, a grey, ugly dawn from which all hope had departed. As she looked down the coming years she saw only misery for herself and everyone connected with her. She should not have made this marriage. Better by far to have refused Amelia’s request, than to have brought this about.

  In her worst moments, her grief was not for herself but for the man she loved and whom this would destroy. Throughout that dreadful scene she had always known that his misery equalled her own. He’d borne all the appearance of a hard man laying down a merciless law. But he was dying inside.

  She rose and dressed herself with Jane’s help, but she stayed in her room. From her window she saw Justin leave the house for a reason she could only guess. But her guess was confirmed when Charmaine came flying into her room in stormy tears.

  ‘It’s your fault,’ she sobbed. ‘You made Uncle Justin break my engagement, and now he says I must never see Leon again. You never wanted me to marry him.’

  ‘No, I never wanted you to,’ Kate said. ‘He’s a bad man and he didn’t love you.’

  ‘It’s not true. He did, he did. You just wanted to flirt with him yourself.’

  Millicent came hurrying in at that moment, full of alarm. She managed to calm the weeping girl and send her away in the care of a maid, before confronting Kate.

  ‘Now you see the misery your kind causes,’ she snapped.

  ‘I gather Charmaine doesn’t know the whole story,’ Kate observed. ‘You over-reached yourself, didn’t you Millicent? You were going to keep quiet until after the wedding. What a pit
y that your spite got the better of you.’

  Millicent’s eyes snapped. ‘I believe the wedding will still take place,’ she observed. ‘Lord Danby will not be the only young man to fall into the snares of a designing woman and make an honourable marriage later.’

  ‘If you really think that Justin will permit this marriage you don’t begin to know him.’

  ‘Justin has connected Charmaine to a low woman who drags her down. When he’s thought about it, he’ll be only too glad to make the match.’

  She swept out. Kate sank down at her dressing-table and rested her head on her hand. She felt Millicent was mistaken, but she was no longer really sure of anything. She herself had thought that Justin...she covered her eyes with her hand and refused to think of that any more, in case she went mad. If only he would return, perhaps she might find a way of talking to him.

  But he did not return that night, or the next day. Kate kept to her room as much as possible, only going out for some fresh air in the garden. She had hoped to be alone, but suddenly Charmaine stood across her path. This was a different Charmaine. The childish tears of the day before had given way to a jealous rage.

  ‘You thought I wouldn’t find out, didn’t you?’ she demanded. ‘Now I know the real reason you’ve ruined my life, and I hate you.’

  ‘So Millicent couldn’t resist telling you.’

  ‘Not Aunt Millicent: Leon. He told me how you snared him all those years ago, pestering him until he couldn’t say no. And now you wanted to ruin his life again, because you’re jealous.’

  ‘Leon? Do you mean that you’ve seen him despite your uncle’s forbidding it?’

  Charmaine flushed, then she tossed her head. ‘Yes, I saw him last night.’

  ‘He got into this house...? Oh Charmaine no, you didn’t slip out to see him?’

  ‘What does it matter? I’m going to marry him whatever any of you say. He loves me, and I love him. Fate made us for each other.’

  The silly girl’s words filled Kate with alarm, for she recognized in them another silly girl, who, years before, had thought that Leon would come back to marry her. Charmaine was just as reckless and vulnerable as she herself had been. And just as alone, for Millicent would be no help. Kate had very little doubt that last night’s meeting had happened with Millicent’s connivance.

  She dragged herself into the house and up to her room, where Jane, tenderly concerned for her, brought her a draught to ease a headache. It must have contained laudanum, for when she lay down she went straight off to sleep. When she awoke it was evening, and Jane was sitting beside her.

  ‘Has your master returned?’ she asked.

  ‘No, My Lady. Oh, My Lady.’ Jane looked over her shoulder as though expecting to find someone there. ‘There’s such talk...they say that Miss Charmaine...’

  ‘What about her?’

  ‘They say she’s in such a state about her engagement...she’s going to elope.’

  Kate sat up sharply. ‘Who says? What do you mean?’

  ‘Lord Danby was here this afternoon. Miss Charmaine saw him upstairs in her room.’

  ‘She did what?’

  ‘Ellen, that’s Miss Charmaine’s maid, she was...well, in the next room.’

  ‘Listening at the door. Good for her. Go on.’

  ‘She says they’re going to run away...tomorrow My Lady. Oh, I don’t know what to do.’

  ‘You’ve done all that you need,’ Kate said, starting to get up. ‘Did Ellen hear anything else?’

  ‘Only Miss Charmaine said they’re going to be together for ever and ever.’

  ‘Say nothing of this to anyone,’ she commanded Jane.

  ‘Not even to Lady Thorpe?’

  ‘Not to anyone. Leave me now.’

  When Jane had gone Kate stared into space, listening. There was only silence. Justin had left the house yesterday and not returned. Perhaps he really meant her to leave before he came back. She felt light-headed. At all events, everything was over between them now, and that gave her a kind of freedom. Her life was her own again to throw away as she wished.

  She made her way to her bureau, drew a piece of paper towards her, and began to write.

  *

  He was on the moors again, trying to see through the blizzard to where they stood before him, two women yet one. He reached out to them, but they retreated, regarding him sadly.

  ‘Amelia...Kate...’

  It was harder to see them now, and he was suddenly overcome by dread, because he knew that when once they were out of sight they were lost to him for ever: Amelia, taken from him by death; Kate, driven from him by his own act.

  The snow swirled about him. He rubbed his eyes and when he could see again there was only Amelia, regarding him sadly, and using the name only she had ever given him.

  ‘Oh Ned, be kind. You find it so hard to forgive. Be kind...for my sake, be kind...’

  With a shudder he awoke. He was in surroundings he had never seen before. The room was tiny and shabby, with one small window and a narrow bed. His head ached. As he tried to clear it the door was opened by a youth whom he vaguely recognized.

  ‘Where the devil am I?’ he asked thickly.

  ‘In the Black Boar, Sir.’

  ‘I’ve never heard of it.’

  ‘You nearly drank the cellar dry, sir. The landlord said he’d never seen anything like it. When you passed out we brought you up here to sleep it off.’

  ‘How long have I been here?’

  ‘Two days, sir.’

  Two days. It felt like a lifetime. ‘Bring me a jug of hot water.’

  The wash made him feel better and gradually the world came back into focus. It had been a dream, only a dream and, as his head cleared, he recalled a time about three years ago when he had been about to dismiss a servant caught out in some wrong doing. The servant had pleaded desperation, but Justin had turned a deaf ear until Amelia laid a gentle hand on his arm and said,

  ‘Oh Ned, be kind. You find it so hard to forgive...’

  Not for the servant, she had told him, but to save himself, lest his stern, judgmental side overwhelm and destroy him.

  That memory had come back to him now, giving the illusion that Amelia had spoken for Kate. An illusion. Nothing more. Yet he knew in his heart that if Amelia were here now...

  No, that wasn’t right. She was here now, because she was always here. And Kate, who had most reason to drive her out, had been assiduous in keeping her alive in his heart. Because Kate had loved her too. The depth of affection between the two women was something he had never understood until he was married to one at the behest of the other. Because of that affection Kate had ensured that Amelia was still with him, every moment, and in his agony Amelia had spoken from her sacred place in his heart.

  On her deathbed she had made him a promise: When you need help, I shall be there.

  He would never need her help more than now, and she had given it.

  He had told Kate how much he loved her, but when the crisis came he had shown her no love or understanding. He had simply refused to listen, pushing her away and destroying a part of himself in the process. This was what Amelia had tried to warn him against.

  And now another memory came into his mind, called there by who knew what force? The Reverend Ward, rejecting his child in a moment of harshness, repenting when it was too late, condemned to wander the earth in a fruitless search for mercy: the fate of those who themselves showed no mercy.

  Suddenly he was in a hurry to be gone. He threw on the last of his clothes and went downstairs to pay his shot. The shock of the cold morning air invigorated him and he urged his horse forward, anxious to be home. He would see Kate and say to her...what? That was still obscure to him. But somehow he must try to reconcile what he now knew about her with the Kate who had been his beloved. There must be a way through pain and misery to understanding and love. He didn’t know how, but he did know that a gentle hand had come out of the darkness to help him.

  Millicent met him in the
hallway and exclaimed over his condition.

  ‘Yes, I’ve slept in my clothes, I must look like a barbarian,’ he said impatiently. ‘Never mind that now. Where is Kate?’

  ‘Your wife,’ said Millicent, and nothing could have kept the triumph out of her voice, ‘has left this house.’

  ‘What do you mean? When will she be back?’

  ‘She will never be back. She wasn’t in her room this morning, and one of the servants says he saw her leave last night, carrying a bag. She hasn’t been seen since, and she never will be again. Good riddance I say.’

  It was too monstrous to be taken in. His brain rejected it. ‘There is some mistake,’ he said firmly. ‘She will return.’

  ‘If she meant to return, why did she leave you this?’ Millicent demanded, flourishing an envelope at him. ‘It was found on your pillow. I suppose we can all guess its contents.’

  Mechanically Justin tore open the envelope and read the single sheet of paper.

  My dear husband,

  Every word I told you was the truth, but you were right to say that all is over between us. With Leon hounding me, I am beyond saving. He means to persuade Charmaine to some foolish action. He won’t stop until he has ruined either her or me. Better it should be me than another innocent young girl. I am going away with him. Our flight will open Charmaine’s eyes to the truth about him, and she at least may be saved.

  Divorce me, and then forget me, my darling. And try to believe that I truly loved you.

  Kate.

  He read the letter again and again, feeling his body go cold with shock. Words and phrases stood out, piercing him like arrows.

  With Leon hounding me, I am beyond saving. But her husband could have saved her if he had helped and supported her. Instead he had turned his back, abandoning her to Leon Danby’s mercy.

  ‘She has gone to hide her shame,’ Millicent said gloatingly.

  ‘She has gone with Danby,’ Justin said in a dazed voice.

  ‘Uncle Justin!’ Charmaine’s voice from the doorway made them both turn. ‘You were speaking of Leon. What has happened?’

  When he didn’t answer she ran into the room and snatched the letter from his hand. A glance put her in possession of the contents, and the next moment she had burst into noisy sobs.