The Loving Spirit Page 5
In contrast, she felt that she failed Amelia more with every day that passed. Not with the children, who clung to her and found all their comfort in her. They alone had been able to accept the marriage without trouble. On her deathbed Amelia had told them, ‘Kate is your mother now,’ and that answered all questions for them.
But Kate had no way of reaching Justin’s grief, nor did she even know how to try. She pitied him, but she had never felt warmth towards him, and there was now no sympathy or friendship to help her console him. But that was as well, she thought, since he would certainly have resented any such attempt on her part.
He had shut himself into an icy cave into which he could bear no intrusion. At night he drank. In the past he had been an abstemious man, to please his wife. Now he drank without stint to blot out his own consciousness. By day he would mount one of his spirited hunters and vanish, galloping hell for leather over rough country, as she knew from the reports that reached her.
His favourite mount was Caesar, a huge raw-honed animal hated by everyone else for its viciousness, and which even Justin could barely control. She knew he was thrown several times, for he returned bruised and limping, in savage moods, refusing even to hear of a doctor.
One evening he was gone longer than usual and Kate went out into the gathering dusk to watch for him. There was a place where she had often walked in the summer evenings, enjoying the peace. All about her were fields and woodland bathed in the soft evening light as it slowly faded, became grey, then blue. At last the stars appeared and the moon began to rise in the gentle sky.
She knew Justin would be angry if he saw her waiting, and she planned to slip away at the first sound of hoofbeats. But as time passed she walked further and further in the direction she guessed he must take, listening intently for distant sounds.
But when they came the sounds were not distant. She’d misjudged, and suddenly he was on her, his approach muffled by trees until he emerged very close, soaring recklessly over a high fence. She held her breath, and in the semi darkness she could barely make out the moment when he was thrown over the animal’s head and crashed to the ground. The next moment she saw Caesar pull free and begin to gallop home.
Kate scrambled down a bank towards Justin. She could hear him cursing as he got to his feet, then she could just make him out, standing, holding on to the fence, rubbing one shoulder as if it hurt him.
‘My Lord...’ she said urgently.
‘What are you doing here?’ growled.
‘Waiting to see you safely home.’
‘Damn your impertinence!’
Kate drew a sharp breath as anger rushed up inside her and forced its way to the surface. Without warning the reckless streak that had always got her into trouble, asserted itself, and she cried out,
‘And damn your selfishness!’
‘What did you say?’
‘You’re trying to kill yourself aren’t you? Did you only hurt your shoulder? Never mind. Next time. With any luck, you may break your neck. And then you’ll be out of it. No more pain to endure. Not for you. Of course, there’ll still be pain for your dependants who serve you faithfully and deserve better. But mostly for your children who’ve lost their mother and will soon be fatherless too.’
In the dusk she could see his eyes blazing. She had never seen any man in such a state af rage and for a moment she thought he would hit her, or worse. But she was beyond caring.
‘Where do you think you’ll be, My Lord, when it’s all ended? With Amelia? Better for you if you’re not. Better not to hear her reproach you with abandoning her children and taking the coward’s way out.’
The next moment his hands were about her throat, while the howl of a maddened bull rose into the night sky.
‘Go on, kill me,’ she said breathlessly. ‘What will that prove? Only that you can’t bear the truth.’
The rising moon showed her his livid face. His eyes were wild, crazy. In another moment he would tighten his hands.
But he didn’t. Slowly they relaxed and he stepped back from her. His breath came in harsh, painful rasps as though he had run a mile. The insanity died from his eyes, but not the rage.
‘Get out,’ he grated. ‘Get out of my house. Be gone before morning. If I see you again you are not safe.’
He turned away from her and stumbled away. Kate, too, was breathing hard, but not from fear. She couldn’t define the emotion at this moment, but she found that the thundering of her heart was strangely balanced by the cool steadiness of her brain.
She had no intention of leaving. She would slip back into the house and stay out of his sight until morning. After a night’s drinking it would have faded from his mind. If he remembered she would talk him out of it. She had no doubt about that. A mysterious confidence had taken possession of her.
Incredibly, she was glad of everything that had happened tonight. It was better to be like this than downtrodden and apprehensive. Her newfound courage might be only an illusion, but it was a thrilling one, like being a new person.
Or perhaps it was like being the person nature had meant her to be, before she’d been thrust into a life of dread and dependency. That fifteen-year-old girl with her head up and her courage high seemed incongruously near at this moment.
She slipped quietly into the house through a side door, and made her way to her room without being seen.
*
He hated to sleep, for the dreams were always nightmares. Through dark alleys he would seek her, sure that she was only just out of reach, a little further and her sweet face would smile on him again, saying that death was a dream from which they would awaken. And this time...this time she was almost there ...not her face...but her voice.
‘Promise to marry Kate for the children’s sake...the only thing that will give me peace.’
He’d promised, and kept his word in rage and bitterness. Now he had broken it.
He awoke to find himself sitting up. He was in his room, having thrown himself fully clothed on to the bed as soon as he came in. His shoulder hurt intolerably, but greater than pain was the appalled recollection of what he had done.
But she wouldn’t leave until morning. There was time to stop her.
Wincing with every movement, he lit a candle and staggered to the door that connected his bedroom with that of his wife, shooting back the bolts and throwing it open. But the flickering light showed him only an empty room. The bed had not been slept in. She had gone already.
The footman, half asleep in the hall below, was startled to be roused by a roar from his master. Hurrying up the broad staircase he saw Justin, holding the candle high, his face livid.
‘Rouse the house,’ he roared. `Saddle every horse in the stables, send people in every direction. Get her back. Never mind whether she wants to return. Get her back.’
‘My...My Lord?’ the wretched man stammered.
‘Did you hear me? She could be anywhere by now...no, she hasn’t had time... she’ll have headed for the stage coach.’
By now the commotion was spreading through the household and the other servants were beginning to gather, wide-eyed and murmuring among themselves. Lastly came Millicent, majestic in a satin and lace dressing-gown.
‘What has happened?’ she demanded.
‘She’s gone,’ Justin shouted. ‘My...Lady Farringdon has gone.’
‘Then you’d better check the silver to see what she’s stolen,’ Millicent said triumphantly. ‘Didn’t you know she was bound to betray you?’
Justin tried to raise a hand to his aching head, but the movement hurt his damaged shoulder and a groan broke from him.
‘Has something happened?’ asked a quiet voice.
They all turned to see Kate standing there in her nightdress, a shawl over her shoulders, her long rich hair spread over it. Justin’s eyes were fixed on her, and one incredulous word broke from him.
‘You!’
‘So you decided to crawl back,’ Millicent snapped, trying to recover lost ground.
‘I haven’t been anywhere, except in my bed,’ Kate said calmly. ‘I was aroused by shouting. May I know what the trouble is?’
Belham, the steward, pulled himself together. ‘His Lordship wished to speak with you, My Lady, and was unable to find you. We were all a little concerned.’
‘Thank you, Belham. Then it’s a storm in a teacup, because here I am.’
Justin was staring at her, his eyes full of disbelief mingled with a kind of horror, as though he’d seen a ghost. He was at the end of his tether and suddenly she found that she couldn’t bear him to be seen at a disadvantage.
‘You can all go back to bed now,’ she said to the servants.
Millicent swelled visibly, but before she could speak Kate had taken Justin’s arm, guiding him into his room and shutting the door.
‘Where the devil were you?’ he demanded.
‘Why were you surprised by my absence? You ordered me to go, for fear of my life.’
‘You can’t have thought I meant it.’
‘Well, no,’ she admitted. ‘I simply went to bed.’
‘Your room was the first place I looked. It was empty.’
She saw the connecting door standing open and quickly closed it.
‘I don’t sleep there. I’m still in my old room. My Lord, have you seen a doctor for that shoulder?’
‘No,’ he said wearily. ‘It’s just pulled a little.’
‘Let me see.’
She helped him ease off the shirt and urged him to sit on the bed. His massive shoulders sagged, and all the fight seemed to have been drained out of him. It was somehow terrible to see so big a man looking beaten. Gently she touched the place he’d been rubbing.
‘It’s dislocated,’ she said. ‘It’ll be quite easy to put back.’
He turned his head painfully. ‘Are you a doctor as well?’
‘No, but I know a little about dislocations. When I was a child we had a groom who was skilled. I made him teach me. Then later when I...’
She was about to say, ‘When I worked at the inn’ but checked herself just in time. ‘When Tom started growing up,’ she resumed quickly, ‘and taking every risk he could think of, it was very useful.’
‘That wasn’t what you were going to say.’
‘Turn your head away, please. You’re making it difficult...that’s better.’
‘You mean you can fix it? A little thing like you? Have you the strength?’
‘It isn’t a question of strength, but one of your stable hands knows how to do it. If you prefer, I’ll call him.’
‘No,’ Justin said quickly. ‘You. Nobody else.’
She understood. He hated his dependants to see his weakness, and they had already seen a good deal tonight. But suddenly she found herself unwilling to touch him, wishing she had never broached the subject.
‘I’ll do my best,’ she said gently. ‘I’ll have to get behind you.’
She found the only way was to climb on to the other side of the bed and kneel behind him. It was a simple job, and she could hardly understand her reluctance to do it. All the old skill came back to her hands as they settled against his warm skin, seeking here and there for the perfect place to hold him so that she could do it with one wrench.
‘Why aren’t you sleeping in your proper room?’ he demanded.
‘I am,’ she said simply.
‘You know what I mean.’
‘And I should hope you’d know what I mean. I don’t belong next door. It’s better for me to be close to the children.’
‘That’s all very well but...ah!’
‘Your shoulder’s back in place now. I’ll massage it for a few moments, and then it’ll feel better. But be careful for a while. Stay off that horse.’ She finished the massage and came to stand beside him. ‘I’ll say goodnight now.’
He raised his head. ‘Did I hurt you earlier tonight?’ he asked quietly.
‘Not at all.’
‘By God, you’re a cool one. Anyone would think you had men nearly strangling you every day.’
‘You wouldn’t really have injured me.’
‘You sound very sure of that. I wish I was as sure. Anyway, please let me apologize.’
‘I too should apologize...for some of the things I said.’
As she was moving to the door he said quietly, ‘It’s not true, you know: I wasn’t trying to break my neck.’
‘I know you weren’t. But perhaps it might happen without your meaning it. Goodnight, My Lord.’
*
It was Kate’s custom to visit baby Amelia first thing in the morning, then breakfast with the children, after which they would stroll together in the grounds. Officially this was a chance to study nature, but she had always allowed them to talk about whatever they wished, and especially now. On these walks they could shake off the oppression that reigned in the gloomy house and be free of the fear that Millicent might suddenly appear.
They had a favourite spot by a small, wandering stream overhung by trees. The boys especially liked it because it wasn’t hard to get Kate to talk about fishing, a subject on which she was more knowledgeable than most females. Little Grace liked it because when Kate settled on a fallen log she could sit on the ground beside her, holding her hand.
She took them to this pleasant place the next morning, feeling the need of its peace. Charlie and Jack were thrilled because they’d found the entrance to a warren, where a small inquisitive baby rabbit had come to sit and look out on the world. But when they approached, it turned tail and vanished, only to reappear a moment later.
‘Let it be,’ Kate advised. ‘It’s too young to leave its mother, and you have a rabbit already.’
‘Do you remember when it escaped?’ Charlie asked. ‘And it got into Aunt Millicent’s room and she had hysterics, and wanted to kill it?’
‘And Mama wouldn’t let her,’ Jack remembered.
They all smiled at the memory, and fell silent.
‘Something just like that happened when we were at school,’ Kate recalled. ‘Only then it was a field mouse. She’d tamed it so well that it used to eat from her hand. We hid it in our room, but it got out one day and ran all over the school. Everyone was in uproar.’
‘What happened?’ they all wanted to know.
‘Your Mama managed to catch it and run out into the grounds. She set it free there and we never saw it again.’
Grace was smiling happily. ‘When is Mama coming back?’ she asked.
Kate drew a swift breath. She had always wondered just how much the little girl understood. Now here was the moment she had dreaded.
‘She isn’t coming back, my darling,’ she said, taking the little girl into her arms. ‘She wants to because she loves you very much, but...she can’t. That’s why she asked me to stay here and look after you for her. She knew that I love you too.’
Grace frowned as though trying to take this in. ‘Does that mean you’re our mama instead?’
‘She said you were,’ Charlie recalled. ‘She said, ‘Kate is your mother now’.’
‘Yes, but not instead of her. As well as her,’ Kate said quickly. ‘She’s still your mother. Nothing can ever change that, and she’ll always be here with us as long as we remember her and love her, and talk about her. We must talk about her very often. But now I’m your mother too, because...because she chose me to be.’
‘Is that why you married Papa?’ Philip asked.
‘Yes, that was why. She asked me to, so that I would always be here for you, and I promised her.’
It was Philip, the oldest and the serious one, who thought of what wouldn’t have occurred to the others.
‘But what did you want to do?’
‘I wanted to do whatever she wished, because I loved her so much. She was like a sister to me.’
She tried to keep her voice steady, but Grace was weeping, hiding her face against her. And suddenly Kate’
s tears flowed too, and the woman and child wept together. The boys were more restrained as befitted men. Jack sat on the ground, his hands on his knees, his head resting on them. Charlie knelt and fidgeted with stones, while Philip stared out over the water.
At last Philip turned back to face her. ‘What about Papa?’ he asked. ‘Why has he gone away?’
‘But he hasn’t, my dear.’
‘Yes, he has. You know he has...inside. It’s as though we weren’t here any more...and he cares nothing for us.’
‘That’s not true,’ Kate said swiftly. ‘He loves you all very much but – he’s lost somewhere and he can’t find the way out. You have me to turn to, but he has nobody. Don’t blame him. It hurts him more than he can bear. He didn’t grow up in a happy home, like you. It was a terrible place, and your mama was the only joy he ever had. In time he will find his joy in you. But you must be patient and understanding. And kind. Give him your kindness more than anything.’
In the silence that followed she became aware that the children were looking at some point past her. Turning, she saw Justin standing very still and silent, half hidden by the leaves. She rose hastily and greeted him, as did his children. But they were subdued in his presence. If only, she thought, they could run to him and mingle their grief with his, but his stony face didn’t encourage such a response.
He came out into the clearing. ‘I came to say that I’m leaving for a few days. Be good, and do whatever you’re told.’
‘They always do,’ Kate said quickly. ‘They’re the best children in the world.’
He nodded, but gave no other sign that her information had pleased him. As soon as they could do so politely the children slipped quietly away, Grace holding on to Philip’s hand. The other two were left alone, regarding each other. She thought Justin must have heard a good deal, but it was impossible to tell, or how much it had affected him. ‘I shall be travelling in my curricle,’ he said.
‘But your shoulder...’